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If clarity�was intended our eyes would be made of crystal.�my legs were broken so that i wasnapos;t able to walk away... Oh what i would give for the freedom to run. My chest was cut open, while he tried to crawl inside. When he left he took my heart. Sometime in his possesion it became torn and mangled so that it was no longer recognizable. In deciding to return what was once his, he shoved it down my throat so that screams were made silent and i would never be whole again. Sewing me up, he spit into the wound so i could never truly abondon what used to be "us". Instead of blood, every emotion in my being slowly dripped away, forming a puddle of what i could never describe. "Use once and destroy" was all i could release before i let go for the last time.

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They stood there, looking at the corpse. Lights blinked red, and Eron swore.

�

"Some of the stuff must have gone through the vents," he said, stepping back from the dead man and the spreading stain on their grubby brown carpet and walking to the control panels. "If it isnapos;t too bad, Iapos;ll be able to fix it before we have to go out-Channel. Considering the fact that if I canapos;t fix the switch calibrators before we do get to that point weapos;ll be as dead as Ralph here, I can assure you Iapos;ll try my hardest."

�

For once, the Captain let the implied critisism of his actions pass. He stood there for a time, contemplating Ralph in silence.

�

"Captain? Are you okay?"

�

The Captain blinked and looked up.

�

"I was trying to figure out whether he was worth the money the ammo I spent cost," he said. "Did I pay him recently?"

�

Eron shook his head, and started unscrewing the bolts on the front panels of the control boards.

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Weapos;ve filed the paperwork for our case against our ex-landlords.

As I mentioned earlier, they updated their registration with the Secretary of Stateapos;s Office the day they received my last letter -- so if I hadnapos;t doublechecked the state website, Iapos;d have filed to the wrong person at the wrong address. Iapos;m feeling particularly proud of my obsessive tendencies to doublecheck everything, let me tell you.

Iapos;ve been reassuring my loved ones that we can win this case. We have the documentation on our side, and unless we get a biased judge, that should carry the day. And, if worst comes to absolute worst, weapos;ll be out $200 (court costs plus the $70 they claim we still owe them).

For the record, Iapos;m scared, too. I know itapos;s irrational, I know that everything Iapos;ve been saying to reassure my others is true. But Iapos;ve never done this kind of thing before, and itapos;s fucking intimidating.

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I find that whoever it is that does the most talking is the one most appeased. I said to the therapist, "for some of these things, you just need to be there, and thatapos;s all I have to say..."


But the fact that I can see now that this isnapos;t going to work propels me towards my initial goal that put me back into this precarious situation to begin with: moving out for good. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses. Even when those losses take the form of a failed, nuclear family.
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Mother is 60 today. Since she is unaware of her party Saturday, we did our normal birthday thing with the family. She wanted the Lob. They are having bottomless shrimp �have my favorite Parrot Bay Coconut shrimp only in bite sized shrimpies. OMGoodness I am foundered.� And you canapos;t stop. Itapos;s coconut battered deep fried love with basically a pina colada to dip them. It makes me�go�"Sooo goood" in classic Iron Chef cute actress way.�

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My thesis project is going well so far. Sometimes i feel like i have no idea what i am doing and fear my life is falling apart- total artistic existential meltdown (which really can be triggered by pretty much anything). But for the most part i know what iapos;m doing, what i want to do, what i need to do, why i am doing it, etc. Etc. Even at the worst moments i trust myself and know that eventually i will have something i can be proud of to show people. Iapos;ve learned that nothing i do is sacred and shouldnapos;t operate under the assumption that anything i do matters to anyone but myself. It is the time of my artmaking life to be both selfish and, in a way, selfless. I think they can be the same thing. I canapos;t explain to you how.

anyway, i do wish that i lived in my studio. It will undoubtedly happen eventually as deadlines become less arbitrary and meaningless, but iapos;d like to be at the point already where every moment is spent making. Because of the nature of my project, i really do need to be working all of the time, or at least in my studio looking at things. Absorbing and shit. My project is not the kind of thing (at least at this stage) that can really be planned out intensely or with any level of detail ahead of time- it is all about pieces and growing and connecting and making a gigantic mess to comb through later. Although in time i will be able to insert intentionality and compose a direction or implement an arc, at this point it is all intuition and playing. Changing my mind. Not finishing things. Making things that suck. Making things that will never be seen by anyone.

so i was talking with holly about all of this. Although my professors wouldnapos;t have ever thought of telling me that i need to be spending more time working, as i am progressing well and they can see my concentrated effort, they all agree that it certainly isnapos;t bad and is in fact probably very good that i want to be working more. As we all can see, there are some people who are doing hardly a thing and donapos;t want to be doing anything, either. Assholes.

so holly dared me to have twenty pieces done by wednesday; that gave/gives me a week. The best part about 20 pieces is that although it is kind of unreasonable, i can totally do it. I made two yesterday, and they are two of my favorite things i have ever made. She told me i would get a fake "f" if i didnapos;t do it. That is the best part of IP. My professors are super laid back and totally rule. They know they donapos;t need to impose bullshit like that on me but if i ask them to pretend, they will.

so i made these things. Blah blah blah artschool.







also, i have the best job in the world.

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